‘Being Happy.’ It is said that happiness is a state of mind! That may well be true but how do you get to that state of mind?
When I was young, my father terrified me. He was a bully and would hit me, often for no apparent reason. I concluded that he didn’t love me so I should stay out of his way as much as possible. I was his only daughter and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t the ‘apple of his eye’ as often seemed to be the case with daughters in other families.
I crept around on eggshells, trying to be invisible, hoping that I wouldn’t make him angry. This formed my personality. It meant that I became a loner, trusted no-one and believed that I wasn’t loveable. I realised later in life that it had become a self fulfilling prophesy. The way I acted and my expectations of how people would treat me meant I came over as reserved and awkward. People treated me as a reserved and awkward person.
I began to ponder the idea that maybe if I had laughed at my father, gave him big hugs and showed him the playful, endearing side of me; he may have responded also in a more light-hearted way. He may have not been able to stay as angry with the cheerful, funny child as he did with the frightened, hesitant child.
The more I thought about this, the more I was sure it could have made my childhood and his experience as a parent, completely different. Before the age of five, I had chosen to be a certain way. It took more than twenty years of self-development courses and books, meditation and yoga, to be able to change the way I was to something much richer and more rewarding.
I started to laugh more, to genuinely like people and sense that they liked me too. The meditation changed me in a profound way, in that I could see things differently. I wasn’t coming from a place of fear but rather a place of interest in others, in their wellbeing as well as my own. This led me into natural healing and I studied to become a Remedial massage therapist. It opened up a whole new way to look at the world. I studied the healing energy of crystals, of reflexology and why this ancient therapy worked, as well as many other healing modalities. It was an exciting way to live and I became a very successful and sought after healer.
Yet I was still attracting the wrong men into my life. The patterns I chose and acted out were so ingrained in me when it came to love from a primary relationship that I had to continue healing myself. I felt comfortable and happy in relationships with female friends and even platonic male friends but the old doubts about me being loveable were still bubbling away below the surface.
I was fortunate enough to participate in a life changing course put on by Leon Nacson and facilitated by a wonderful teacher and healer, Denis Linn. Ninety people from all over the world gathered in Bali for ten days. It took me a year to process all the changes within myself that were triggered there.
I saw how people like Denise and Leon ‘walked the talk’. They were happy.
Mix with happy people, enjoy the journey. Search for courses by people you admire. Become aware of how you are in life! Become the person you want to be. Lots of love and light, Pamela Ann Sun